Don't Ask Why by David Vogel

Oops

2005-04-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

If you're going to have a marijuana-growing operation, put it in the basement.

Aaaaah!

2005-04-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

Just another touching story of a man and his chicken.

Should these people be on the road?

2005-04-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

No, but this happened in a parking lot.

Collect all five

2005-04-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

This whole Wendy's Finger Chili thing just keeps going and going and going...

Update: Reward.

An honor?

2005-04-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

You have to wonder how Bush feels about this.

Flushed with excitement

2005-04-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh! I'm running out of toilet puns!

I spoke too soon

2005-04-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I posted a link about the Wendy's chili-finger case, and that the victim had dropped charges. But now there's a new part to this story!

Not a laughing matter

2005-04-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

In my latest column, I discuss people who are humor-impaired.

'Shroom boom

2005-04-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

Although Alaska is a newer state, it may be getting a little moldy. But, I'm sure there are a lot of fun-guys there! Ha ha.

The end

2005-04-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

Looks like the Wendy's Finger-Chile Frenzy has just about ended. Or has it?

Dum dum duuuuuuum!

A groaner

2005-04-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that walked into a bra?

Squirrel-pattern baldness

2005-04-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

And we care about this, why?

Must be a guy whale

2005-04-12T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sure a female whale would have asked for directions before making a wrong turn into a New Jersey river!

Pig Olympics

2005-04-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

Who else would like to see a pig doing the uneven bars?

A draining task

2005-04-11T15:23:00.000-07:00

[Insert your own sewer joke here.]

First a rocking chair...

2005-04-11T15:19:00.000-07:00

...Now an ultrasound.

Um... You have a leach hanging out of your nose

2005-04-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

That would suck. Literally.

Low-flow in the news

2005-04-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

The article itself isn't that funny... Put the picture makes up for it!

Puppies too young to dye

2005-04-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

I guess I wasn't really thinking.

Ya think?!

(Anyway, it's about two puppies who got dyed purple and blue.)

Something to be proud of

2005-04-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

The Village Idiot award.

Busy day

2005-04-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure when I'll get around to blogging today. This morning and through early afternoon I have to be at a music festival, where I have already played in a brass ensemble. In a couple hours, I have a vocal solo and later a mixed chorus event.
Then this evening my family is getting together for a late Easter dinner.
So, hopefully I'll find time to update later.

Some random thoughts

2005-04-08T15:49:00.000-07:00

To make up for yesterday's lack of blogging, here are a few random thoughts...
***
If you have an online journal that's really, really unorganized, would it still be a "blog" or a "blob?"
***
Yesterday my PE class took a little trip out to the track to run The Mile. (I capitalize The Mile, because we refer to it as a proper noun, as if it were some big marathon.)
Anyway, I ran something like a 6:46 (that would be minutes:seconds, not hours:minutes). This may not sound like much to some of you real runners, but it sure seems like an improvement over the 10 minutes I ran for PE a few months ago.
***
My family has a few generations of published writers. Of course, there is me, who writes columns for a few local papers. My grandpa has also published a few things in a couple papers in his area.
And in between would be my aunt. Kim Vogel Sawyer (that's her Official Author Name, the rest of us just call her "Kim") writes novels classified as Romantic Christian Fiction. So far, she's only gotten one published, A Seeking Heart. But this is about to change.
According to her official Web site, two new books are to be published late this summer, and two more in 2006!

God has been very busy the past couple of weeks. March 17, right in the middle of parent/teacher conferences, I received an email from the editor at Barbour Publishing which let me know my novel DEAR JOHN had been accepted for the Heartsong Presents line. Well, it was pretty hard to keep myself in the classroom after that! In the midst of still celebrating that happy news, my agent called just a week later to let me know Bethany House was interested in SUMMER'S JOY and another novel, possibly WILLOWS SPRING FORTH. Goodness! I felt as though I was being showered with manna from Heaven! Needless to say, I am thrilled God has opened these doors to me. Both DEAR JOHN and SUMMER'S JOY are very special stories--straight from my heart--and I trust they will bless the readers as much as they blessed the writer.DEAR JOHN is slated for an April 2006 release, and SUMMER'S JOY will be out in fall of 2006, so I have some things to look forward to next year. I am in the process of getting the next two books in the Mountain Lake series ready for publication as well--look for them late this summer.

***
I'm glad I got all that out of my system. Hopefully the following days will hold more news, so I won't have to ramble to fill up some space.
And by the way, have you heard about the Hunchback of Notre Dam murders? They're still looking for a Quasi-motive.
Ha ha.

Where there's smoke

2005-04-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

There's a dead snake.

I hope they dig their jobs

2005-04-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

Because this was a mammoth task!

Our tax dollars are going to the dogs

2005-04-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

Or at least the birds.
Quack.

That's using his head!

2005-04-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

Or at least a camel costume head...

A driving force

2005-04-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

Nothing was going to stop this man from getting his license renewed.

A slow day

2005-04-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

I've scoured the Internet, but didn't find very many funny or interesting news articles.
But I can assure you that I will update as soon as I find something!

Wouldn't it have been easier to step on the roaches?

2005-04-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

Oh well, some people like explosions better.

Have a fun-filled family vacation this summer...

2005-04-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

Visit Kansas.

This is my most recent column, describing all the fun adventures that await you in the sunflower state! (Needless to say, there's a lot of sarcasm.)

Today's nature newsflash

2005-04-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

Whatever you do, don't swim in the Amazon.
Apparently, a new species of fish has been discovered: a vampire fish!

Superpope

2005-04-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

Sounds like the late Pope John Paul II's legacy won't soon be lost. Not with a new comic strip, starring the Incredible Popeman.

Just a thought, doesn't the image on the page of the provided link look a lot like Mr. Incredible for Pixar's The Incredibles? Oh well...

A small feat

2005-04-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have two questions:
1.) Why?
2.) How many tax dollars went into doing this?

Whoops

2005-04-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

Why "sleeker" cell phones are better for criminals.

Pull a rabbit from a...

2005-04-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

No, not a hat. But perhaps an apartment building gutted by a fire would work, too.
All I can say is, this is one lucky bunny.

Thought the grilled-cheese-virgin-Mary was weird?

2005-04-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

Get ready for the Jesus Rocking Chair Craze!

Oh, my God, it's Jesus on there.

Guess you could also say "My Jesus, it's God on there," and it would work out the same. But I'm not going to get into a lesson about taking His name in vein.

Sticky situation

2005-04-05T16:49:00.000-07:00

Where an elevator becomes a "hellevator."

Wanted: permanent caddy

2005-04-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

This guy might just want to look for a caddy to keep an eye on his golf clubs permanently.

The article also suggests an "exotic" entree: volcanic dust. Mmmmm!

A new event for rodeos

2005-04-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

Emu tackling.

I might even go to a rodeo now and then if they did this!

Reunion

2005-04-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

A story of a woman separated from her wallet.

It pays to get a new name

2005-04-05T05:45:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to change his middle name, this guy also got $8,000! He listed it on eBay, promising the winning bidder a chance to change his middle name.
Check out the completed auction here.

The big game (update)

2005-04-04T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well, Illinois had to go and win. Oh well. Maybe the orange jacket was lucky or something.

The big game

2005-04-04T21:50:00.000-07:00

Well, as I write this, the most important college-level basketball game is in the midst of the 2nd half. I'm hoping UNC wins. Mainly because the Illinois coach has an extremely ugly jacket on.

They didn't break the record

2005-04-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

But it sounds like fun, anyway!

The million dollar mistake

2005-04-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

I just got this in my junkmail:

First of all, they call this new book "The One Minute millionaire," but that one guy looks like he's been around a while. Why is he just now coming out with a book about how he made money?
The other guy makes the "million dollars" more believable, because he looks like he's had a few rounds of plastic surgery.
Second of all, the image doesn't look that high of quality. I could do better than that, and I'm just a lowly newspaper columnist.
And to answer the big purple questions: Yes.

Is Mr. Squarepants involved?

2005-04-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

This article states that it is unclear whether SpongeBob was involved in the crime, but wouldn't a great cartoon be "SpongeBob OrangeJumper?"

Invasion of the annoying turkeys

2005-04-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

A group of turkeys has been trotting around the city, chasing kids,
startling motorists and loitering at people's homes.

What are they going to do next? Buy a Coke?!

I've heard of 'dancing around the clock'

2005-04-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

But not dancing around the scale.

Clarification: Before I get angry comments, I should probably note that I am not saying that overweightness is a laughing matter. In fact, it is a BIG problem (literally). I, too am battling the bulge, so a hearty 'way to go' to these kids, as well as Mom.

No laughing matter

2005-04-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

Well, actually, it is.

At least the owners had the 'good taste' to leave a note

2005-04-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, the note also must have had a good taste, as these guinea pigs found out!

The dreams continue

2005-04-04T05:24:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I posted about the strange dreams I've been having.
Last night, I dreamed that we were rebuilding the high school in town, and they were building a separate basketball gymnasium for every team in our division. Outside the door of each gym, my friend and I had the task of hanging up a plaque with the names of the teams. But we got confused and starting hanging up toilet seats!
I guess it is possible to have a sense of humor in your dreams, but all this night-time adventure is "draining" me!

An uneventful day

2005-04-03T23:57:00.000-07:00

I couldn't find much to post on my blog today. Hopefully there will be more tomorrow.
As for what I did today--other than search high and low for fun news stories--I worked on my turtle habitat in the back yard, painted a little and watched AFV. Nothing to write home about.
Anyway, good night!

Doesn't sound like she's doing too bad

2005-04-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

I don't think Martha should be complaining about the ankle bracelet she has to wear, considering her house arrest is at her $16 million estate.

Mice cured of cat allergy

2005-04-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

This was definitely a needed medical breakthrough.

For those of you in the process of Spring Cleaning

2005-04-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

Here's how to clean house:

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework. "
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework? "
6. Answer calmly, "Yes, " and press the mouse button firmly...
7. Feel better?

Works for me.

Get ready to party

2005-04-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

Here are some of the fun holidays we have to look forward to this month!

3- Tweed Day
4- Check Your Batteries Day
5- National Workplace Napping Day
6- Sorry Charlie Day
7- No Housework Day
8- Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day
9- Name Yourself Day
11- Eight Track Tape Day
12-Blah Blah Blah Day
13- Blame Someone Else Day
15- Rubber Eraser Day
16- Wear PJ's to Work Day
19- Garlic Day
20- Look Alike Day
23- Hug a Prom Sponsor Day
24- Pig in a Blanket Day
25- No Excuse Day
26- Hug an Australian Day
28- Kiss Your Mate Day
29- Shrimp Scampi Day
30- Hairstyle Appreciation Day

Looks like we have some real partiers in there! Let's celebrate!

Why I don't check my junkmail more often

2005-04-02T09:37:00.000-08:00

Today I decided to take a peak into my spam, to find about five emails similar to this:

Dear friend, My name is Micheal Miller from South Africa and a former confidential secretary to a top government officer in Lagos. I believe, the innermost drive in me usually propelled by unseen and rather, benevolent forces
must have inspired me to send this email to you. But nevertheless, I am sorry for the necessity to write you and to become maybe bothersome. I am contacting for your ability to prosecute a transaction of great magnitude involving a pending business transaction requiring maximum confidence. But with reservation I will like to know if you could be willing to do business with me, before I elucidate my proposal to you. Note that this transaction is not connected with any deceptive intention as you may imagine.I will be very grateful if you could give your consideration to the possibility of replying this email. This will enable me to stop any further contact for the search of someone who could help. Please reply me preferably to: ##########@yahoo.fr. Looking forward to hearing from you soonest. Yours truly, Micheal Miller.

Up until this point Micheal Miller sounded somewhat sincere, like he knew me from somewhere. But then the email continued with this, just in case I didn't speak English:

Cher ami, Mon nom est Micheal Miller de l'Afrique du Sud et ancien secrÊtaire confidentiel Á unofficier supÊrieur du gouvernement nigerian Á Lagos. Je crois, la commande la plus sÊcrÊte en moi est habituellement propulsÊe par l'invisible et plutÆt, les forces bienveillantes doivent m'avoir inspirÊes Á vous envoyer cet email. Mais nÊanmoins, excusez-moi de la nÊcessitÊ oÝ je me trouve de vous Êcrire et de vous paraÏtre gËnant. Je vous contacte pour votre capacitÊ Á poursuive une transaction de grande importance, une transaction en attente exigeant la confiance maximale. Mais avec rÊservation je voudrais savoir si vous seriez disposÊ Á faire affaire avec moi, avant que je vous Êlucide ma proposition. Notez que cette transaction n'est liÊe Á aucune intention trompeuse comme vous pouvez peut-Ëtre imaginer. Je serais trÉs
reconnaissant si vous donneriez votre considÊration Á la possibilitÊ de rÊpondre cet email. Dans l'attente d'avoir de vos nouvelles, je vous prie d'agrÊer l'expression de mes salutations distinguÊes. Aussi votre rÊponse Á mon message me permettra d'arrËter d'autres contacts Á la recherche de qui pourra nous aider. Svp, rÊpondez-moi Á: ##########@yahoo.fr. micalement, Micheal Miller

Needless to say, I won't be responding.

I thought Alaska was the biggest state

2005-04-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

Apparently Virginians are getting the upperhand.

Today's electronic highlight

2005-04-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

The gadget for anyone who's "on the go."

They didn't get full-coverage news

2005-04-02T09:19:00.000-08:00

In fact, they didn't get any coverage at all.

This burglar made a clean getaway.

2005-04-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

Literally.

The Japanese are well 'spirited'...

2005-04-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

...About their new product. But I don't think it has a ghost of a chance.

Marching to the beat of their own drum

2005-04-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

Southern India's new method of making tax-evaders pay up is doing a bang-up job! (Rimshot)

Urg

2005-04-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

Well, so much for the promise of posting yesterday. After I got home from the carnival last night, I discovered that my Internet filter had suddenly decided to block www.blogger.com. As it was already late, I didn't feel like messing with it.
So, today I PROMISE that there will be updates.
Stay tuned!

Updates to come

2005-04-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

Updates on my blog this evening will be later than usual, as I have to go help out at the local elementary school's carnival fundraiser.
I hope to be a back in a few hours!

April fools!

2005-04-01T08:56:00.000-08:00

It's still March, but I posted this as April 1!
Ha! Boy did I have a great April fools prank on you!
Anyway, have a great day... And don't get tricked too many times!

History of the day

2005-04-01T05:33:00.000-08:00

OK, I really am posting this on April 1, as opposed to the message above.
For anyone who is interested, the history of April fools is somewhat interested. Enjoy!

However big the fool, there is always a bigger fool to admire him.
-Nicolas Boileau

The struggle ends

2005-03-31T18:11:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, flags should be at half-mast today, in memory of Terri Schiavo. 13 days after her feeding tube was removed, Schiavo has left us, and gone to someplace much better.
I usually am very snappy with comebacks, but this event has really caused me to stop and think. This is why I have not posted on it sooner.
For the last few days, many questions have appeared in my head, the main being "How could anyone kill their own wife?"
Of course, there will always be those who argue that Terri was dead a long time ago, but her body just didn't know enough to quite. And others (I am on this side) retort with the fact that it would have been possible for a miracle to happen, or for a medical breakthrough to occur. Would have been possible.
I think everyone in the US and across the globe feels like they lost a daughter, sister or wife today. All because one person--the person that should have wanted to see her live longer--was tired of her being in a "persistent vegetative state."
Well Mr. Schiavo, let's hope your body never turns into produce. I have a feeling we all know how that would turn out.

Rest in peace, Terri.

Patriotic duty

2005-03-31T17:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sure most people wouldn't mind the effort to support their country this way. (ha ha)

You go home and do your patriotic duty.

Why punish him?

2005-03-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, this guy deserves a reward!

Two outs, the bases are loaded...

2005-03-31T17:18:00.000-08:00

...And the toilets are working fine.

Going to the dogs

2005-03-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

Try out this link!
By clicking on "Game," you can calculate what you would be if you were a dog.
I turned out to be a Mexican Hairless Dog. Go figure.

P.S. I DO have hair.

If you're baseball team is losing a lot of games...

2005-03-30T15:26:00.000-08:00

...You might want to listen to Linus.

www.snoopy.com

A giant colon!

2005-03-30T15:12:00.000-08:00

Wow. What's next? A jumbo liver?

Hooray fore him!

2005-03-30T15:01:00.000-08:00

Apparently, the blind can tee!

It's bad enough that the bad guy got away...

2005-03-30T14:56:00.000-08:00

But the fact that they couldn't find the baggy of dog doo-doo is worse!

A bright idea

2005-03-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here at my computer, which is in my room, which happens to be in the basement. For those of you who are familiar with the downstairs portion of your home, you are aware that basements tend to get dark.
For the last few weeks, my room has been getting darker and darker.
The lighting of my bedroom consists of two fixtures, both containing two light bulbs. Within the last month, one bulb in each fixture has fizzled out. I take that out, it was more like a "pop." I flipped the light switch, and the bulb had a flash of blue electricity and then went out.
What I'm getting it is, my room was very dark, now that I was down to two light bulbs.
Today while I was at school, someone snuck into my room and replaced both light bulbs, so when walked in, I was immediately blinded. I apologize for any typos that I make, I stull czn;t sea verri wrll,

Hey there!

2005-03-29T21:56:00.000-08:00

I've discovered that I haven't actually written anything on here for a while. I'm sure that you are fine with this, as you probably didn't want to read it anyway, but here I go...
***
On Blogger, I have the opportunity to pick a different date or time whenever I post an entry. At the top of the page I have all the regular features (bold, italic, link, etc.), and then at the bottom, right above the "publish post" button, I have the chance to change the time or date! Technically, I could post something on July 26, 2006 if I wanted to.
But that would screw the whole thing up.
So, as it's 8:56 p.m. here, I'll just post this at 9:56 p.m.
Boy aren't I the rebel?

A drink to get your running in the morning (at least away from the coffee maker)

2005-03-29T17:20:00.000-08:00

A coffee that's really "to go."

Prehistoric doo-doo

2005-03-29T17:17:00.000-08:00

Dino dung a poopular museum attraction.

Who was the dope who decided to stash the drugs there?

2005-03-29T17:14:00.000-08:00

This is a matter of cocaine, not octane.

Go with the flow

2005-03-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

Who said going to the bathroom couldn't be comfortable?

Mickey Mouse's other job...

2005-03-29T17:08:00.000-08:00

Apparently Mickey isn't just a cartoon character. He's also a police officer, because this guy was actually a doctor!

Stealing beer can be a real pane

2005-03-29T17:06:00.000-08:00

This guy found that out.

Don't donate your eggs before they're cashed

2005-03-28T18:11:00.000-08:00

This family learned the hard way.

Going...going...

2005-03-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

...gone! Well, sort of. We only have 3 billion years until the sun burns out. Better start preparing!

Named wrong

2005-03-28T17:57:00.000-08:00

For a cat named Lucky, she sure got herself in a predicament.

Inventing new toilets...

2005-03-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

...is a tankless job.

Getting in shape

2005-03-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

An elephant treadmill... What's next, a doggy Bowflex?

Checked in after cashing in

2005-03-28T15:03:00.000-08:00

Pennies can add up, and send you to jail.

A slanted idea

2005-03-28T15:01:00.000-08:00

But at least this one is intentional.

Attention guys: great way to attract the ladies

2005-03-28T14:58:00.000-08:00

Or not.

Just a note

2005-03-28T08:15:00.000-08:00

Even though I'm actually writing this on Sunday, I will mark it as a Monday post, as I'm not sure if I will be able to blog tomorrow morning. This last week was spring break, but starting Monday I will be returning to school. I know I will be able to post messages in the evening, but mornings will be "iffy."
I will try to post as much as I can!

I know the feeling

2005-03-27T10:33:00.000-08:00

www.snoopy.com

Spring cleaning

2005-03-27T10:23:00.000-08:00

Don't follow this guy's example.

Happy Easter!

2005-03-27T06:37:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has a great day! (And good luck to all you mall Easter Bunnies, too!)

They may not be in the Spring Fashion Line, but they're being fought for, anyway

2005-03-26T21:05:00.000-08:00

College not blowing any sunshine up their skirts
Why would you want to fight this? Wouldn't it be drafty if you did wear one? (No offense meant to anyone who does, I might add.)

And while we're on the topic of leg apparel...

It takes a real man to wear a mawashi
Sumos not allowed to wear shorts in the ring.

Finally
What other meanings can you come up with for the word "mawashi?" Let me know!

Have some extra money?

2005-03-26T15:35:00.000-08:00

Bid on this!

For those of you still trying to come up with Easter lunch for your family...

2005-03-26T15:30:00.000-08:00

...You might try this. Yummy.
(Don't forget some lemon juice and freshly pounded nuts!)

NASA's Deep Impact going OK

2005-03-26T15:22:00.000-08:00

For any of you space-nuts, NASA's Deep Impact program is going smoothly, with one minor hitch.
You can read the column I wrote a couple months ago about the Deep Impact on my Web site.